CANINE HUMOR

(Click Text)

Dog? What Dog. I don't See Any Dog.

A Letter to Our Dogs

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain YOUR food. The other
dishes are mine and contain MY food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does NOT stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out at one end and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are NOT cookies.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years--canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you!

HOW DISHWASHERS REALLY WORK

A VISIT TO THE VET

Patience

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.-M. Facklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.-Sigmund Freud

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.-James Thurber

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.-Penny Ward Moser

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.-Robert Benchley

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.-Rita Rudner

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.- Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow.

They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.-Robert A. Heinlein

Dogs look to us in the same format that humans look to God. S.E.

If Dogs could send letters to God.........

Dear God,

When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God,

If we come back as humans is that good or bad?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,

May I have my testicles back?

Dear God,

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

I will not lick the baby's spoon, no matter how tempting it is to do so.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

I will not eat any more Kleenex, napkins or socks and then redeposit them in

the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.

The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

I will not play tug of war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my rear end can quickly clear a room.

The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Skydiving dachshund does it again

The Associated Press

VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. -- Sporting custom-made goggles, Brutus the skydiving dachshund plunged from a plane flying at 6,000 feet and parachuted before spectators at a military air show.

Animal rights activists had condemned Saturday's jump as cruel and exploitative. But Ron Sirull, the dog's owner and diving partner, said Brutus gets a kick out of freefall -- or "fleafall" as he calls it.

"I love Brutus. I wouldn't do anything to hurt him," Sirull said. "It turns him on."

Brutus makes the jumps tucked into a pouch fastened to Sirull's chest.

Sirull says the 4-year-old dog has logged 100 jumps since his first dive at age 1.

Sirull said his dog's veterinarian and the Arizona Humane Society have signed off on the activity as being safe.

"The part he hates the most is the sound of the plane taking off," said Sirull. "I cup his ears."

I'm Ready!

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they

went." -Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have

known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry

"And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."-Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein

Red Neck Pet Carrier

Never Give Your Dog Beer!

THE DACHSHUND AND THE LEOPARD

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
pet dachshund along for company. One day the dachshund starts chasing
butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So,
wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK,
I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to
the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there
are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them
yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says,
"Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard."

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything

while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little

like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's

walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I

haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far

behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my

knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

It was a rough night at the Pound last night.

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when through no fault

of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then........

You are probably the family dog

DOG HAIKU

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Many dog butts I
Sniffed today. I celebrate
By kissing your face.

(a series)

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman fiend-come to kill us!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill us!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello there,
Spot - Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so estatic I
Have made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain.
Look world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin --
You foot -- no greater bliss. Well
Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes. No
Human could love you as much.
Can you deny it?

The cat is not all
Bad. She fills the litter box
With small Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and 'specially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more - I call
Them a vocation.

My owners' mood is
Romantic. Lying beside,
I fart a big one.

Wiener Dog Art

A Far Side Collection

by Gary Larson

The Whine

Once again, we have here a work in which the creator's identity technically remains a mystery, but whose disturbing, provocative use of the wiener dog practically screams, "Edvard, you veirdo you!"

This painting, along with a handful of other works by various artists, was stolen several years ago from one of New York's pretty good art museums. The brazen theft was a devastating blow to the art community. Interestingly enough, however, the very next day, this particular painting was returned, found leaning against one of the museums' outside walls. According to the museum's curator at the time, the loss of all the works was an extreme offense, "but the return of The Whine was absolutely the last straw."

The Persistence of Wiener Dogs

We have no conclusive proof that this is indeed the work of Salvador Dali, but we're pretty sure. The signature on the painting, believed to be a pseudonym, is actually "Labrador Dali," but most experts recognize (reluctantly) the unique stamp of the famous Spanish surrealist.

Runaways

In the latter part of the nineteenth century, wiener dogs were brought West in great herds by the backing of wealthy "wiener barons." These drives were occasionally enormous in scale, sometimes consisting of well over half a billion animals. There were two major routes (or "Wiener Trails") across the country, one starting in Boston and ending in San Fransico, the other starting in Chicago, circling that city several times (for greater momentum), dropping down to Dallas, back to Chicago (usually an error), down into New Mexico, and ending in what was then called Wienerville, Arizona (now an uninhabited area but renowned for its rich topsoil).

The artist, Samuel J. Sullivan, was still a young man in 1878 when he joined one of these expiditionns, and here we see one of his action-filled paintings which captures a wienerboy at work. Sullivan reported that Indians never attacked these drives, believing the little dogs to be harbingers of bad luck. Indeed, there were few risks on a wiener trail, although we know from their songs and stories that wienerboys lived in a constant fear of ringworm.

Bottle, Apple, Book, and Bowl of Wiener Dogs

The wiener dog, expecially in postwar Europe, was a frequent subject for still-life artists, almost to the point of clichè. Bowls of wiener dogs, baskets of wiener dogs, tubs of wiener dogs, dried wiener dogs, stuffed wiener dogs, and a myriad of other variations on this theme represented a quirky but strong artistic trend for seven and a half years. And then it stopped.

Wiener Dog with Head Turned

This is one of the more controversial works in this [display]. In 1986, this painting went on the auction block and a Japanese collector paid $38 million for what he believed was one of Picasso's startling interpretations of the wiener dog. Shortly thereafter, however, several experts came forth to challenge the paintings authenticity. New estimates now place the work's value somewhere between $14 and $22, most of that amount being attributed to the nice frame.

The Bitches of Paradise

The Renaissance saw the emergence of the "chunkified" wiener dog in the style of seventeenth-century Baroque art. Here, we see one such piece by Bernardo Bartolini (although he apparently preferred to sign his works with an informal "Bernie"). In 1612, Bernardo was commissioned to do a wiener dog fresco for King Giovanni D'Amento IV. Unfortunately, a revolt, led by a smal clique of art critics, dethroned Giovanni -- and Bernardo was arrested before he could begin his work. Giovanni was beheaded, and Bernardo was slapped around for a good five minutes and then released.

The Wienerkings (also known as Dachsmen) were aggressive, seafaring warriors who pestered European coastal villages in the eighth and ninth centuries. They were never known to actually kill anyone, but, instead, preferred to stab annoyingly at their victim's ankles. Perhaps even more interesting was their battle cry, described in some ancient legends as a "sort of yipping sound."

The Wienerkings vanished rather quickly, and historians are in dispute as to exacly why. The most prevalent theory, however, is that they may have repeatedly and inadvertently crossed paths with the Rottweilerites, another obscure people that just about everyone avoided.

Cave Art

In 1909, paleontologist Arnold Zimmerman stumbled across this Paleolithic cave painting in southern France. It is undoubtedly the earliest known form of wiener dog art, estimated to be around 17,000 years old. The drawing is a clear depiction of Weenus giganticus, commonly known as the wooly wiener dog -- a creature that according to Professor Zimmerman, "must have struck utter terror in the hearts of primitive mail carriers."

Zimmerman's discovery ultimately brought him only grief, as other scientists began to question the legitimacy of this cave painting. (Special but inconclusive tests indicated the actual "paint" contained chemicals closely akin to a Magic Marker.) The controversy eventually ebbed, and Zimmerman moved on in his career to become a staunch supporter of Piltdown man.

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
~ Steve Bluestone

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
~ Jack Handey

"Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."
~ Jack Handey

"The only thing 2 dog handlers can agree on is that the 3rd one is doing it wrong!"

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
~ Dave Barry

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
~ Penny Ward Moser

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
~ Groucho Marx

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."
~ Michael Friedman

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
~ Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
~ Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
~ Sue Murphy

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
~ Unknown

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
~ Unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
~ August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
~ Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
~ Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
~ Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
~ Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
~ James Thurber

"The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too."
~ Samuel Butler

Pets chew up the trash. . . . Obedience dogs "show a natural tendency for scent articles"

First Time at a Dog Show
(with acknowledgements to the South Island Whippet Club)

First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain
I'll never, no never, go near one again.
The Breeder said "Show him" when I bought my dog,
I showed him alright, the whole place was agog.

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin
But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in,
So I rushed to the shop and bought some clear glue
Then I stuck the card onto his back in the loo.

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first
In the Puppy Class (this part is the worst).
We marched in together as fast as we were able
Arrived at the judge who said "Up on the table".

This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight,
And I just couldn't make it, try hard as I might.
The Judge looked quite worried, he said "Listen here,
Put your dog on the table, not you, my dear".

By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool
But I said to myself..."Play it cool, play it cool".
"How old?" said the Judge, I heard it quite clear
Well really, I thought, and said "Thirty next year".

The Steward, poor fellow, threw a kind of fit.
He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit.
"I'd have that cough seen to" I said to him when
He'd finally stopped...then he started again.

"Once round the ring, dear, as fast as you can"
Said the Judge, so I did, I just ran and ran,
But when I arrived (out of breath, I'll admit)
The Judge said "Your dog, dear" I felt like a twit.

Off round once again, I kept my head bent.
Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and went.
A lady came running with bucket and spade
With manure so spicy, has she got it made.

We came back to the Judge who said with a frown
"Stand your dog". I said "Please sir, he's not lying down".
"You can take First Place stand" he said. I said "Ta".
What a job I had getting that stand into the car!

Dog Rules

I’m sorry that you were sent to the pound for the broken lamp that you did not break; for the goldfish you did not eat; and for the carpet that you did not wet. Things here at the house are a lot calmer now that you have left, but just to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am enclosing a picture so that you will always remember me.